photo credit: John-Morgan

Speed kills

I remem­ber a line taken from the lyr­ics of one of my favour­ite songs very vividly. The song is per­formed by Bush and actu­ally titled “Speed Kills”.

This song begins with  four lines that have stuck in my mind not only because I relate to them, but because they seem to express how I feel about the pace of my own life and what it has given back to me.

Speed kills, com­ing down the moun­tain.
Speed kills, com­ing down the street.
Speed kills, the pres­ence of mine.
Speed kills, if you know what I mean.

I know how treach­er­ous speed can be and how mis­lead­ing it is for us humans to think that we are still in con­trol once a suf­fi­cient mass have been accel­er­ated past what should be safe.
I do not want to get to that point where our inter­ac­tions with kaja accel­er­ate to a point where I am no longer in con­trol. I have good brakes, but the laws of phys­ics seem to also apply in the world of emotions.

My slave has men­tioned it in her writ­ing that I am a fast mover. I am the fast mov­ing pree­mpt­ive striker and some­times it is hard for me to pace myself. I try to allow myself enough time to ana­lyse a situ­ation and I am patient as to when I should make a move, but once the decision is made I am off.

In this par­tic­u­lar case that does not work all too well, because I need to wait for my slave to catch up. I do not mind that at all, I always expect her to be more com­pla­cent about things than I am. That is her very nature and it helps me often to ree­valu­ate my decision,  her lack of speed and my over­abund­ance thereof seem to mend very well when we listen to each other. Lately I have not been listen­ing too well and the nature of who I am has been dom­in­at­ing my bet­ter judge­ment. I work hard to be in a pos­i­tion where I can take what I want. Hav­ing someone else around to play with is not only excit­ing it also allows me to explore dif­fer­ently. Which is some­thing that I like doing and just like any­one else can get caught up in their “hobby” I got caught up in mine.

My slave is cap­able of giv­ing me the world and I see that abil­ity in her every day. She grows and her body as well as her mind grow with her. My focus has been widened to include the time and thoughts spent on someone else and I still need to learn how to shift it between my slave and kaja.

My explor­a­tion and con­sen­sual exploit­a­tion of kaja must have been just like the rush of a new drug enter­ing my sys­tem, cloud­ing my think­ing for a bit. This feel­ing and the beha­viour inher­ent to it, is noth­ing new. My slave has writ­ten about it and kaja has expressed her opin­ion as well.

It is time for me to come off my high and care­fully eval­u­ate where I stand in regards to my slave catch­ing up with me and still con­tinu­ing my explor­a­tion at a speed that is accept­able to me. I am delib­er­ately not includ­ing kaja in these con­sid­er­a­tions for two reas­ons. As pet or toy she has to learn patience and under­stand that any­thing that hap­pens with her or to her is pre­dic­ated on the wishes of the one in con­trol. The second reason is much easier to under­stand, my slave comes first and always will and as soon as my thoughts on my slave are com­plete she is the next to be taken under consideration.

photo credit: Ian Mut­too

On the fun slide

While I have enjoyed my ride on the fun slide, I think it is time to step off. I like the rush and the feel­ing of simply push­ing on for the sake of ttry­ing to redefine what the envel­ope is, yet I real­ise that all good things come to those who wait.

This should not be mis­in­ter­preted as me try­ing to limit what we should be doing to the toy or how often we should inter­act with the toy. This simply means that I will very care­fully start to assess the envir­on­ment around me when my slave, myself and kaja are inter­act­ing. I know that my gut is OK with the inter­ac­tions we have, now it is time for my brain to ensure that my con­scious mind is OK as well.

I know myself well enough that I am quite con­fid­ent I will not over ana­lyse the situ­ation. I would have never engaged in the inter­ac­tion we have now if I was not con­vinced that I could handle the respons­ib­il­ity that comes with it.  This is another les­son for me to listen and to be mind­ful of the emo­tional involve­ment of oth­ers. Empathy is some­thing that I lack and it is needed in this situ­ation. My brain can help me develop the skills to apply my emo­tional under­stand­ing at the right moment. As I am no Mas­ter at being empath­etic I will need myself to be slow in my approach. I need to give my brain time to catch up with this under­developed abil­ity. This is a good learn­ing exper­i­ence and I am just as excited about it as I am about the plans I have for my slave and kaja.