Emo­tions

I am not known for overly emo­tional entries. I am not known for chro­no­lo­gic­ally sor­ted reflec­tions on my own exper­i­ence with an incred­ible amount of detail when I write on this web-site. The ini­tial inten­tion was to cre­ate a resource for those out there that can­not enjoy this life­style or want to learn a little by look­ing at it through the eyes of someone who is exper­i­en­cing it. I do not work as a journ­al­ist, yet I do hold a uni­ver­sity degree in journ­al­ism and some­times that train­ing reflects in what I write and how I write about it.

Last week­end and the exper­i­ence I went through has noth­ing to do with facts. I would not be able to adequately wrap words around the facts to recre­ate in writ­ing what tran­spired without talk­ing about my emo­tions. Reveal­ing my emo­tions to the world is not easy because it requires me to reveal them to myself. To step out of the picture’s frame for a moment and look at it from the out­side. I do not like to do that; I might not like what I end up seeing.

My slave sur­prised me this week­end with her will­ing­ness to explore and over­come her inhib­i­tions. As much as I am con­cerned with her well being and under­stand that she is the key to our suc­cess with kaja, I can­not help but need the things I want and want the things I need and I do not know what emo­tional state wants me to make this troika work. I real­ised a long time ago that I like to play, I enjoy play­ing with my slave and it is exhil­ar­at­ing to see what she can accom­plish as a human being. She has her men­tal and phys­ical lim­its and I do not need nor want to push those lim­it­a­tions. With kaja those lim­it­a­tions are very dif­fer­ently arranged. It is as if one is com­ple­ment­ing the other to cre­ate some­thing that is more com­plete, as if one had two com­plete mosa­ics but by mix­ing the pieces of both you can cre­ate an even big­ger one.

In my head this state­ment is the source of much con­flict. When you are as for­tu­nate as I am, is it wrong to revel in hav­ing even more? Do I not value enough what I already have and is this a short lived spur of the moment feel­ing that can­not sus­tain itself. I do not want a brightly lit flame that burns itself out in a couple of moments, I want some­thing that can sus­tain itself for a long time. Is this a reflec­tion of my love not being able to con­quer the lim­it­a­tions which are a nat­ural part of my slave? Do I lack the patience to accept that I might need to wait longer than I already have to exper­i­ence some of the things which seem to come so eas­ily to kaja?

I am old enough to have learned how to sep­ar­ate my love and my lust. I am old enough to under­stand that good rela­tion­ships sur­vive because they are being nur­tured. I am not old enough to have had an exper­i­ence like the one last week­end.  One might ask what kind of emo­tion I feel towards our pet, our toy and the answer is hid­den in the way I chose to use the titles. I do not feel love or an over­abund­ance of romantic emo­tions. I do not dive into a sea of pleas­ure just by fan­tas­iz­ing of kaja being with us. What I have come to real­ise though is that I am begin­ning to feel pos­sess­ive. A feel­ing of pro­tect­ive­ness tain­ted with that of being pos­sess­ive.
I ques­tion myself when it comes to the gifts that we bought for her. She deserves those gifts and it is in my very nature to be gen­er­ous. I enjoy giv­ing gifts, I thrive on the know­ledge that good has been hap­pen­ing to someone other than myself. I am very for­tu­nate in the way I grew up and I am for­tu­nate now that I am wealthy enough where it puts me into a pos­i­tion to share. None the less those gifts also put me into a pos­i­tion where I am able to exert even more con­trol over kaja when she is not with us.

How can you be pos­sess­ive when the “object” of your desire is not yours and is it per­miss­ible to even desire “it”? A typ­ical answer for a dom­in­ant would be that you ignore that fact and simply make it hap­pen. That is what I did when I decided that I needed to pos­sess and own my slave. Do I need to own a pet, a toy? Do I need to own kaja? The sci­entific answer would be a loudly resound­ing no, the answer given by the seven year old child inside me would be a squealed yes while run­ning in a circle clap­ping his hands together.
What about the grown man in a lov­ing rela­tion­ship, what about the Mas­ter with his slave? He seems to be strangely mute on the topic and no word has been uttered yet.

That is very dis­con­cert­ing to me. I might not always seem as if I have a plan, yet I am always pre­pared to under­stand what I want for myself. I know and under­stand that not everything I want is avail­able right away, but I dili­gently plan my path to achieve whatever goal I set myself. The goal here has to be that my slave is com­fort­ably cocooned into the blanket of safety I want her to be wrapped into. Emo­tion­ally as well as phys­ic­ally I need her to be at ease with her­self and the situ­ation or oth­er­wise Pandora’s box will never open.

My lack of exper­i­ence and my lack of under­stand­ing make it hard for me to anti­cip­ate the dir­ec­tion and to plan the next step. It is against my very nature to simply dive into some­thing without at least under­stand­ing the basic modes of oper­a­tion. I would not jump out of a plane without hav­ing under­stood the basics of para­chut­ing and I would not fire a gun without know­ing how to handle it. The situ­ation I am in feels as if I had picked up an emo­tional machine gun while it is on con­tinu­ous fire. Neither do I know how to handle that machine gun, nor do I have a good idea in what dir­ec­tion to point it. I have to play it by ear, I have to rely on my gut feel­ing and I have to be adapt­ive to the situ­ation around me.

As intox­ic­at­ing as this exper­i­ence is, it is also fright­en­ing. It is fright­en­ing enough to alert my senses and make me more vigil­ant and not enough to make me cower in fear.I do not like the emo­tion of fear, no mat­ter how large or small. Fear is one of the most primal emo­tions we have. Con­trolling genu­ine fear is next to impossible and loss of con­trol is my Achilles heel. My war­rior of BDSM struck down by the loss of con­trol inher­ent to being frightened and the inab­il­ity to recover from its squeez­ing caress. Luck­ily no one has dealt a deadly blow, there might be a scratch and I know that it will heal. Never the less the exper­i­ence is one that wakes up the senses and just as the thought to be invul­ner­able Achilles might shud­der with the know­ledge that he is not invul­ner­able after all, I have to accept that I need to grow as a human being.  I have to accept that this might not last and I have to accept that as much as I might wish to pos­sess a pet, a toy, I might not ever.

Com­ing to terms with my lack of sym­pathy for the emo­tions of pain expressed by kaja is another big task. Never once do I wish to see her harmed and my first pri­or­ity is for us to always play in a fash­ion that is med­ic­ally sound, to only use toys which are safe and to ensure that we have taken all pre­cau­tion to not harm kaja. I have heard the terms safe, sane and con­sen­sual as well as risk aware con­sen­sual kink often enough to have made them a part of who I am. This does not change the fact that when she cries and I can feel her emo­tional dis­tress I do not want to stop, I want to con­tinue even fur­ther. I want to explore where that fine line lies right before the abyss, dangling her right over it only to yank her back just before she falls. My last few weeks have been filled with turn­ing my abil­ity to help oth­ers due to my know­ledge of their ana­tomy into how to best abuse that know­ledge to hurt kaja. Those thoughts, focused in such a dif­fer­ent man­ner remind me on a daily basis that I might be neg­lect­ing my slave. It felt as if someone had lif­ted a bur­den off my shoulders when my slave took a little ini­ti­at­ive and told kaja what to do on Sat­urday night, when my slave chose to reveal her­self. The fact alone that she made her­self an act­ive par­ti­cipant helped move me towards an answer on the all over­bear­ing ques­tion of:

Is this the right thing to do?

There simply is no way to elim­in­ate doubt com­pletely, no guar­an­tee that human nature, jeal­ously, anger and dread will not come get in the way. I no longer feel as if I am alone in fight­ing those rela­tion­ship des­troy­ers. It makes her an ally and together we are strong. It rein­forces a feel­ing of togeth­er­ness which is still linger­ing with me, mak­ing it much easier for me to val­id­ate my actions and my wishes for the future.

I wish for this to con­tinue, to work out. I would hope that my slave and I will learn even bet­ter to take pleas­ure from kaja and make her a part of us. each one of us in our own way, each one of us tak­ing from it what we need. Time can only tell and as much as I usu­ally do not lack patience, in this par­tic­u­lar case curi­os­ity seems to make it hard to have much. The ball is in the game again and this time I passed it over to my slave. Whether she will dribble, wait, pass it back to me or go for a shot. I do not know, let us find out together.