photo credit: Ollie Cra­foord
Dis­cov­er­ing your­self is like learn­ing a new lan­guage to me. You start to gradu­ally under­stand what the strange sounds com­ing out of someone’s mouth actu­ally mean. You decipher mean­ing and as you learn to make that dis­tinc­tion between mere sounds and the actual value they carry you get closer to an understanding.

Recently kaja has come to the under­stand­ing that the feel­ing of being owned and under the con­trol of someone else makes her feel good.  While feel­ing good is not a very pre­cise state­ment and it can encap­su­late a lot of emo­tional states it still sets a gen­eral dir­ec­tion for her think­ing and the expect­a­tions she has.

When I dis­covered that I am most happy while being allowed to con­trol a female I was stuck in a world of tur­moil. I have been brought up to accept the world as an equi­lib­rium of inter­ac­tions where every­one should be given the same oppor­tun­it­ies, regard­less of race or gender. I have been brought up to embrace tra­di­tional val­ues on how a male should behave towards a woman and I also chose as I grew up to adopt some of the older traditions.

One of the exper­i­ences I have had while grow­ing into being the dom­in­ant I am today has stuck with me and I often use it to explain to oth­ers what I needed to come to terms with. My slave, as well as many other slaves, enjoys hav­ing her face smacked.  Lay­ing a hand on my slave, espe­cially when it comes to her face has been an incred­ible con­flict­ing exper­i­ence for me when I first did it and until this day it is still some­thing that trig­gers feel­ings inside me. I was taught that you do not lay a hand on a woman, doing so makes you less of a man and should inval­id­ate all reason for you to be a valu­able mem­ber of soci­ety. When people you love, your fam­ily and friends teach you those val­ues it becomes increas­ingly hard to jus­tify chan­ging that value all based on your own decision.

Hav­ing new emo­tions and her left side of the brain try­ing to under­stand the right side of the brain is prob­ably com­par­able to what I had to go through when I needed to reset some of my val­ues. Everything is always based on con­text and whatever decision kaja comes to it will influ­ence her inter­ac­tions with the indi­vidu­als in her life. It might influ­ence some more than other but it will def­in­itely touch all of them, which can be a quite scary real­isa­tion and noth­ing that we would want yo imme­di­ately admit to ourselves.

My slave as well as myself are try­ing to provide her with as much guid­ance as we can. We are both only a phone call away and if push came to shove I would get into the car and drive over to have a face to face com­mu­nic­a­tion. That kind of sup­port is cru­cial for a grow­ing sub­missive. I would think that without it the grow­ing pains are much harder to bare. No one should have to go through that and I am unwill­ing to have that hap­pen to someone I care about.

The poten­tial for growth is another chal­lenge my slave and myself are faced with. I believe that this new dynamic requires her­self and myself to make adjust­ments to the way we per­ceive our worlds. I have not come to terms with the fact that I need to sur­render more con­trol than I neces­sar­ily want to her. I need to under­stand that this arrange­ment ulti­mately bene­fits me and that is it no dif­fer­ent from the arrange­ment we already have. Under­stand­ing the way a triad is bal­anced and its unique dynam­ics within that bal­ance is not easy and com­pletely for­eign to me. My slave has exper­i­ence in it and as much as I want to fig­ure everything out myself I should defer lead­er­ship to her and learn by obser­va­tion. The one thing I know I excel at.

Know­ing all that does not make it an easy task though. This is where my patience and my abil­ity to adapt truly get chal­lenged. I speak a few lan­guages very well, oth­ers fairly decent. It seems it is time for all of us to learn another one so that we can com­mu­nic­ate without fail.