photo credit: Ollie Crafoord
Discovering yourself is like learning a new language to me. You start to gradually understand what the strange sounds coming out of someone’s mouth actually mean. You decipher meaning and as you learn to make that distinction between mere sounds and the actual value they carry you get closer to an understanding.
Recently kaja has come to the understanding that the feeling of being owned and under the control of someone else makes her feel good. While feeling good is not a very precise statement and it can encapsulate a lot of emotional states it still sets a general direction for her thinking and the expectations she has.
When I discovered that I am most happy while being allowed to control a female I was stuck in a world of turmoil. I have been brought up to accept the world as an equilibrium of interactions where everyone should be given the same opportunities, regardless of race or gender. I have been brought up to embrace traditional values on how a male should behave towards a woman and I also chose as I grew up to adopt some of the older traditions.
One of the experiences I have had while growing into being the dominant I am today has stuck with me and I often use it to explain to others what I needed to come to terms with. My slave, as well as many other slaves, enjoys having her face smacked. Laying a hand on my slave, especially when it comes to her face has been an incredible conflicting experience for me when I first did it and until this day it is still something that triggers feelings inside me. I was taught that you do not lay a hand on a woman, doing so makes you less of a man and should invalidate all reason for you to be a valuable member of society. When people you love, your family and friends teach you those values it becomes increasingly hard to justify changing that value all based on your own decision.
Having new emotions and her left side of the brain trying to understand the right side of the brain is probably comparable to what I had to go through when I needed to reset some of my values. Everything is always based on context and whatever decision kaja comes to it will influence her interactions with the individuals in her life. It might influence some more than other but it will definitely touch all of them, which can be a quite scary realisation and nothing that we would want yo immediately admit to ourselves.
My slave as well as myself are trying to provide her with as much guidance as we can. We are both only a phone call away and if push came to shove I would get into the car and drive over to have a face to face communication. That kind of support is crucial for a growing submissive. I would think that without it the growing pains are much harder to bare. No one should have to go through that and I am unwilling to have that happen to someone I care about.
The potential for growth is another challenge my slave and myself are faced with. I believe that this new dynamic requires herself and myself to make adjustments to the way we perceive our worlds. I have not come to terms with the fact that I need to surrender more control than I necessarily want to her. I need to understand that this arrangement ultimately benefits me and that is it no different from the arrangement we already have. Understanding the way a triad is balanced and its unique dynamics within that balance is not easy and completely foreign to me. My slave has experience in it and as much as I want to figure everything out myself I should defer leadership to her and learn by observation. The one thing I know I excel at.
Knowing all that does not make it an easy task though. This is where my patience and my ability to adapt truly get challenged. I speak a few languages very well, others fairly decent. It seems it is time for all of us to learn another one so that we can communicate without fail.
That is actually swedish in the picture – Not too hard to learn
Your post is right on the spot and something I have advocated as well – You need to adapt and push boundaries within yourself as well once you engage in BDSM.
I usually use the metaphor “A journey into yourself” when I try to explain about BDSM to people.
As a Dominant you need to free yourself as well and once you have done that, then it is like a whole new world is opening up. You can let your Dominance flow freely without any hesitation.
I think most people from North America would disagree. Being from Europe myself I would agree that Swedish is a lot easier than most of those Scandinavian languages. I wanted to say thank you for the encouraging comment, reinventing yourself is hard, so all we can do is push everyone to try it.
i have been reading Your slave’s journal, (didn’t bookmark but luckily found it again). i truly admire her strength in being able to adjust and be open to You have a “toy”. i don’t understand or am not clear on what Your slave can’t give You and what the “toy” can. i read on Your slave’s blog that she can only take so much pain…..is that it?…………i know i would want to feel that i was enough for my Master and would have a very difficult time with Him being with another. i know i would need guidelines like Your slave has requested, regarding the kissing on the lips etc. and that she is the one You love. i do hope this brings You closer as a couple, it is very scary, but i agree with Your slave it should be an experience You share together.
I am glad that you value my slave’s writing. We are both very happy when we can give to others with our sharing of the lifestyle we lead. Just so you understand this has been a process that has lasted for about 16 months. My slave and I both made the decision to look for a toy. Simply because we believe there is a very interesting dynamic to having one. We also think that we will be able to express more of our lifestyle when a third party is around. My slave not being able to tolerate as much pain as others has only little to do with it. It is all about the different levels of emotional care.