Her Owner

I do not believe in ghosts, I have a hard time with religion and where science fails to explain what might have transpired I will argue to myself that we are simply not advanced enough yet to understand an explanation that surely has to be there. I hold two science degrees and separating myself from the notion that almost everything can be explained scientifically is a very hard thing to do. It takes a very special lesson that the world cannot possibly be that black and white. I had mine.

I do not know what it sounds like when a million voices speak to you, but I have an idea now how it feels like. Whether it was my enteric nervous system or not is something that I am still debating. Regardless of which biochemical cocktail possessed my two brains to sing in unison I am happy how it turned out.
Many of you already know that we have been looking for friends and people to play with on FetLife. We have been very conservative and met some people over the last few months. I can honestly say that we always enjoyed ourselves and we kept in contact with all of them. Never once did we take them home or had anything but a conversation and a lot of good fun while meeting.

This time however conversation turned into hair pulling and that turned into a very interesting night which ended in a lesson for me and my brain to not always put the emphasis on what my brain tells me to do. For a lack or a better word let us call her kaja. We met her recently and I can say that it was a very different experience for me. My usual approach to BDSM and the people involved in the lifestyle is very analytical. Especially with women I do not know, I rarely develop anything more than an interest to explorer more. It baffles me that I we ended up going home together and while the play was still fairly innocent there was a substantial interaction which is something that has not happened in a very long time.
I touched another female sexually. Since having been with my slave, even when we were physically apart, I had not done that. I had not done it because I never had felt the desire to do it and there were no women I wanted to experience that with.

I like kaja a lot and while my body tells me that there is an underlying connection that I cannot rationalise I am not in love with her nor do I think that I cannot live without her. My feelings are more expressed in a willingness to care for her well being and to be concerned about her success. kaja is fairly young and that seems to make it easier for me to think of her much more as a play-toy than anything else, it might also trigger a certain sense of protectiveness. I do not think that I could handle this developing dynamic at the moment if I started to think of her as a second woman in an existent relationship. There is a very distinct hierarchy in my emotional structure and I have found a way to slot her into that construct without disturbing what I have with my slave. What confuses me is the fact that it happened automatically and without much reflection, it seems as if my brain and belly have conspired. The rational part of me saying “Let me think about this and get back to you on that…” while my subconscious answers the same moment “Yeah, do not bother with that, I have already taken care of it”.

The experience has integrated itself into my life by bringing me excitement, fear and a renewed understanding of what it means to trust.

• Excitement – I believe that there is a huge potential in kaja to be an exceptional member of the BDSM world. She has a natural tendency for enjoying pain and she is very submissive when properly addressed. I believe that she could make us or anyone else she meets in the future extremely happy. Because she is still very young and her life will only fill with more experiences over time I am intrigued in how far I can push these abilities. How much she will let me shape them.
• Fear – We fear the things we cannot understand, the things we have never experienced and this is completely new to me. I am not cowering in a corner not wanting to go anywhere into the daylight but there is a slight tremble of fear, of concern in the pit of my stomach. I would think this is simply an early warning system to indicate that something might be going the wrong way. I will learn to analyse and judge that feeling and act accordingly.
• Trust – I have to trust my slave more than ever before. I have to trust her that she will allow me to be a part of all the excitement, fear and doubt she might be experiencing over this. I have to trust her that she can handle this configuration of individuals interacting. I have to trust her that she will always wear her emotions at the sleeve of her jacket, that she will clearly communicate them so we can correct anything that might cause problems in the long run. On top of that I have to trust her to trust me. Everything I just mentioned also applies to myself. I need to ensure that this is a reciprocal understanding and not one sided.

Common understanding of the world dictates that our perception of time is linear but not absolute. Time never stops and in our lives one event happens after the other. Logic would dictate that to really get to know someone consciously you need to spend an amount of time with them which is proportional to how well you want to get to know them. With kaja this fundamental rule of temporal mechanics does not seem to apply. Either that means Einstein’s time dilation model from his special relativity theory applies to more than just gravitational masses or I am starting to imagine something that I want to believe but does not exist yet. However this entry is not about time travel but kink and the evolution of myself and my slave as well as kaja. I have decided that I will suspend my doubt and not question why I feel as if I know her fairly well, when I know we have only spent maybe a grand total of  40 hours together.

In the near future we will see kaja again and I know that it will be a very unique experience for me. I do hope that this experience will be special to my slave as well and I hope that kaja does not need to be asked. Simply because she should not be with us if we did not make it special enough for her. My slave has already created a set of house rules which will apply whenever kaja is with us in our home.
These rules are extremely important to me, because I need her to understand that we are not like other people in the lifestyle. This is who we are and when she is with us, everything she does or says is taken into account in the context of who we expect her to be when she is with us. Just because we are sitting around, laughing and talking about the latest zombie movie does not mean that she then can sit on the couch and address me by my first name. However when I bring a paddle out and she is over my lap, all of a sudden I become Sir and her behaviour changes significantly. When she is in our presence whether that is in public or in the privacy of our house I want to set clear expectations as to what is acceptable and what is not. I would like to create an environment where she can feel controlled at all times but still comfortable. Right now we are spending a lot of time understanding and talking and ensuring that her comfort level is not compromised while still enforcing what I ultimately want to achieve. In the spirit of those house rules I will sit down and create rules that will apply when she is in our presence, regardless of the location. Most of the rules will be for her own protection, for example that she has to wear her seat belt when sitting in the back, but others will be for my pleasure only.

kaja has a choice of playing with many and we would never mandate that she should only play with us. That is silly as it restricts the amount of experience she can gather with others, in the end such experiences benefits us. It is my sincere hope that we can make her time with us so interesting, that we can provide all the pleasing experiences, so that it becomes no longer necessary for her to go and seek out others. That might never happen though, I will let time run its course and then we shall see how it turns out.

My slave and I will surely keep you updated on what is going to transpire in the next few months. You can also read what kaja has to say on her brand new web-site. I hear she in the process of finishing her first entry so if it is not there already, have a little patience and come back later. The future seems bright, I am looking forward to our next endevour.