photo credit: charles chan *
To under­stand the gist of this post I highly recom­mend to you acquire the neces­sary con­text by read­ing kaja’s writ­ings and my slave’s writ­ings before you continue.

It was fool­ish to think that I would be able to con­trol the devel­op­ment of the rela­tion­ship we were going to have with our pet. I wanted to make it easy for every­body and thought that I could bal­ance the awk­ward­ness in those situ­ations where it would not be pos­sible to avoid it. That was a very fool­ish thing to believe and I think I have come to under­stand that I am not a truly polyamer­ous indi­vidual. I do not want to share my love and I want to guard my affec­tion so that it is reflec­ted very clearly who is the main recip­i­ent of my attention.

We have gone through a few tur­bu­lent weeks as we both have tried to fig­ure out for ourselves what we want from this exper­i­ence with a pet and it has turned out to be some­what sim­ilar but with a dif­fer­ent per­cep­tion. As the one in con­trol cre­at­ing and envir­on­ment where oth­ers are pre­pared to give up their con­trol is one of my most chal­len­ging oppor­tun­it­ies. It is an oppor­tun­ity to me, because every-time we engage with each other I stand to gain a lot, it is not a prob­lem to me.

I knew that my slave has not been “on board” for a long period of time, with this recently hav­ing change I feel that I have lost some of the con­trol I thought I needed over the situ­ation and I gained a lot by let­ting it go. I do not need to safe­guard the emo­tional health of my slave and the pet. I have con­fid­ence enough now that the envir­on­ment which has been cre­ated is safe enough for kaja to oper­ate without me need­ing to worry about her emo­tional well being. For a vari­ety of reas­ons I did not feel that way before and in an attempt to cre­ate the envir­on­ment I wanted I have dir­ec­ted too much atten­tion, focus and too much affec­tion towards her. Noth­ing of that is her fault and she has in fact inquired more than once whether this is some­thing that was accept­able to my slave.

IN the situ­ation I deemed it a neces­sity for us to move for­ward and while I did under­es­tim­ate the extent of the dam­age and hurt I had caused by stick­ing with my decision, I knew that my slave did not thor­oughly enjoy nor agree to my dis­play of affec­tion and care. I have learned that bal­an­cing this emo­tional scale is exhaust­ing and it is not some­thing one human being can do alone. I have decided to return most of the respons­ib­il­ity and con­trol as to what emo­tions are needed back to the pet. I believe that she has a clear under­stand­ing at this point in time what our expect­a­tions are and I also believe that my slave and I are now broad­cast­ing the same mes­sage on the same fre­quency.  There is little room for error left, we are very expli­cit and we are both pre­pared to enforce this mes­sage should it be neces­sary. I felt that had not been the case in the past and instead of releas­ing that anxi­ety and believ­ing in the situ­ation to recover into a more healthy state I des­per­ately held on to it.

The con­clu­sion is a very simple one to me. I never cease to learn and when you com­bine someone that is rather emo­tion­less with someone that has a lot of emo­tion you are bound to run into prob­lems. This one is on me. I need to take respons­ib­il­ity because I believe that the plan I had inside my head was too static. I am incred­ibly adapt­ive as a human being and I will alter my per­cep­tion of the world if it helps the situ­ation, yet I have a hard time adjust­ing my course when I have decided that I want some­thing. It is almost as if I had set myself a goal and any­thing that dis­tracts me from reach­ing that goal is cat­egor­ised as being unim­port­ant. This exper­i­ence has taught me to recog­nise when I am begin­ning to behave in such a man­ner. You can­not change what you can­not recog­nise and I believe the take away for me is valu­able enough to deal with the choices I have made.

Apart from these fun­da­mental real­isa­tions I men­tioned above that I believe my slave to be “on board” now. This cre­ates an envir­on­ment for myself, but mostly kaja, in which I can allow myself to ease off on “envir­on­ment” con­trol and focus more on what I wish to get out of the phys­ical inter­ac­tions. I have decided that it is now time for her to fully serve our needs and mine in par­tic­u­lar. Train­ing her body to be pleas­ing is a big part of that. Asscunt, cunt and mouth cunt should develop the same level of skill that my slave has shown to me over the last year of us being together. That is of course only one aspect, as I am begin­ning to con­cen­trate more and more on rope bond­age, build­ing the dun­geon and employ­ing high-tech toys, kaja will be on the receiv­ing end of all of that. I am proud of myself that I can say this for the first time without wor­ry­ing about the implications:

kaja will exist to serve and please myself and my slave. Her pleas­ure and her needs come last and she will be trained to derive the greatest pleas­ure from being pleas­ing and feed­ing off our pleasure.

The jour­ney to get her there has barely begun but  I am excited as to what is lurk­ing around the next corner.