photo credit: Thales
This mus­ing is partly triggered by an art­icle my slave recently pos­ted on her web-site. She briefly touched on a topic which is dear to my heart and some­thing I have asked myself often. I do not believe that my slave is a fra­gile indi­vidual. I know that she has battled with hard­ship, I know she has with­stood heart break and in her pro­fes­sional life she has been around more sor­row and dread than many of us ever will be.

I do believe how­ever that my slave has emo­tional scars, some of them prob­ably self inflic­ted and oth­ers just emo­tional bag­gage that has not been dealt with yet. My slave has always been a slow mover and what takes some a day to deal with might take her a dec­ade to actu­ally pro­cess and release from her sys­tem. My love for my slave requires me to bal­ance what my inner needs are with what my heart allows me to believe she can handle. Those items she men­tioned in her art­icle are of course things I enjoy doing. Giv­ing you an example, let us take this one here:

“Mas­ter if it pleases You will You force Your slave to crawl around the room, allow­ing any­one to spank Your slaves’ ass, pinch­ing it and mak­ing Your slave squeal.”

That is some­thing I would enjoy greatly and yet there are two things which imme­di­ately yank on my reigns. One of them is that I do not neces­sar­ily have a circle of kinky friends yet to whom I would trust my slave. As inno­cent as this might sound, it is imper­at­ive to me that not only my slave can feel save in the envir­on­ment she needs to inter­act in, yet I have to feel safe as well. When I do not feel that it is safe for her, I can­not realx and that is not fun at all. The second reason is more selfish. I want her to feel abso­lutely com­fort­able with her self image, spe­cific­ally her body before I do any­thing that requires her to show it to a third party. Show­ing her­self to me is hard enough on my slave, I am wit­ness to that every day and I believe it would be det­ri­mental to her devel­op­ment to force more on her.

There are other examples in her art­icle where I could eas­ily ration­al­ise my beha­viour and explain as to why I have not chosen to do what she wrote there. It is not that I love my slave too much, that ques­tion crops up now and then and also whether it is sane to love the slave you own. Can you some­times dis­as­so­ci­ate the love from the things that might be mean or cruel as you execute them?

I could lose myself in deep ana­lysis and in the end I would prob­ably come to the same con­clu­sion I already have. I had never been asked. I am con­fid­ent in what I do and I take what I want, that is one of the pleas­ures I reserve as my right as my slave’s owner. How­ever I pay atten­tion to the things we touched on, I pay atten­tion to the way my slave reacts and many of the things she men­tioned have been touched upon one way or the other and the reac­tion I got was not always a favour­able one. You always have to retry and I think I do, yet often I do not retry it quickly enough and I then rely on my slave, just as I rely on pet, to ask.

When we look at snow­flakes, when we touch snow­flakes they often rep­res­ent the epi­tome of fra­gile to us. The are not what the seem to us to a sci­ent­ist. The struc­ture of a snow­flake under a micro­scope reveals a sym­met­rical and very stable form that is sur­pris­ingly hard to des­troy when the right scale of meas­ure is applied. So I keep ask­ing myself whether I have focused too much on the big­ger pic­ture and I need to apply the micro­scope to some of the areas that I would like to ven­ture deeper into. I might have told myself for much too long: “We are not going to do this right now, I will wait until she is hap­pier with her looks”. This might have become a cop out for me I hide behind, simply because I do not know how I would deal with the fal­lout from some­thing bad that might tran­spire after I push her forward.

Whatever it is this leaves much to invest­ig­ate. I believe as her owner it is my duty to be intro­spect­ive and try to grow just as much as my slave attempts growth every day. If she con­tin­ues to grow and I remain stag­nant I am going to become the one that holds as back as a Master/slave couple. This life­style offers much to the cre­at­ive mind and the cre­at­ive mind needs to explorer. It is time to explorer myself a little more.