This is one of those articles that will ruffle your feathers, maybe upset you or put you into a position where emotion overrides common sense. Before I continue slowly getting you to that place I would like to stress one thing.
I do not believe that there is any harm done when consenting, sane individuals indulge in acts some people refer to as being taboo. I do not adjudge any part of the lifestyle, we are free to choose what fetishes we indulge in. I am entitled to my opinion though and that is exactly what is being expressed here.
When I look at the Daddy/Babygirl scene in the lifestyle I always have to think to myself that psychologists like Freud and Jung would have probably had a field day, sitting there while judging those partaking in such a dynamic. Especially Jung having been influenced very heavily by the works of Freud. He coined the term Electra Complex. In psychoanalysis this behaviour actually describes a libidinal desire of a daughter for her father. Naturally, just like the Oedipus complex, this is not a sane behaviour and individuals affected need professional help when it happens.
The idea of a Daddy in the lifestyle is nothing new. Especially the Leather scene has cultivated the idea of a Bear or Daddy over the last 20 years. Often referred to as the hyper-masculine, leather-centric and muscle loving type with a big hairy chest and a lot of tattoos. As such the fascination with protective father figures is nothing new. I believe that, as a natural progression, this has trickled into the BDSM scene as well. After all we are all interconnected.
You might be able to argue that Jung and Freud were limited by the society they grew up in and by the limitations of what was scientifically acceptable at the time they were alive. Of course our understanding of the human psyche has evolved and we need to accept that behaviours we thought to be a taboo are no longer considered to be one.
Personally I will stipulate that the growing lack of family structure and the fact that many families are torn apart helps create an environment where boys and girls grow up in an emotional vacuum. Add to that equation the fact that many parents are extremely young and often overwhelmed with the task of raising a child, therefore the grandparents step in to take over parts of that parental role. Whether such a shift in responsibilities has a lasting effect remains to be seen, it does mark a paradigm shift in society though.
That in itself might not be anything to worry about, I would have to call myself a hypocrite if I started to judge those that wish to have children, simply because I do not have children and I grew up in a very different society than the one I am a part of now.
Which brings me to my next point. The Electra Complex has widely been debunked and modern scientists reject the notion of penis envy just as much as they reject the ideas perpetuated by Jung and Freud when it comes to this topic. Modern scientists seem to subscribe much more readily to what is know as the Westermarck effect. The Westermarck effect mainly deals with imprinting and incest, it also is used to explain why healthy children do not develop a sexual attraction to their parents or parental figure such as their grandparents. Most daughters will develop a love for their father, however this is attributed to the fact that these emotions are yet not properly imprinted to be directed to another male figure. Many daughters say things such as “I love Daddy, I am going to marry him”, because that is what they perceive from their parents and see as acceptable social behaviour. While the grow up a healthy child will be imprinted with different emotional reactions as they get older and slowly but surely the love for their father takes on a different form. far removed from the love or lust they might feel for a potential partner.
There are probably hundreds of reasons why an individual develops a liking for the fetish of either being a Daddy or indulging in being a girl to a Daddy. Personally I do not understand the fascination nor do I subscribe to it at all.
Most likely this type of play is so uncomfortable to me, because it makes it very hard to assess if that is a healthy behaviour or an underlying problem is being masked. I believe that an extremely high percentage of the community is perfectly capable of separating play from the realities of life. However the potential for abuse in this particular type of play is very big and actually spotting the abuse is very difficult. Which almost turns it into a form of edge play to me, as silly as that might sound to some. Behaviour is often encapsulated in language as well and some of the language I hear from those partaking in those dynamics make me uncomfortable for the reasons mentioned above.
This type of play has most likely been around for a very long time, yet it has become more visible over the past couple of years as we have decided to not look upon it as such a taboo anymore. Just like I believe that over the years more and more people will reveal that they indulge or have indulged in bestiality, especially with dogs.
What probably irks me most is the use of certain key words and the use of ritual in this particular fetish. Most likely that comes from a deep rooted personal conflict with what I deem to be a sane relationship between two loving individuals. I do believe that sometimes you can loose yourself in a behaviour that is not healthy on a subconscious level, no matter how mature or emotionally stable you are. I will not be the one to judge whether that is right or wrong. I do know that I am personally not capable of safely indulging in such play or capable of assessing my partners emotional and psychological well being while being in such a dynamic.
Taking a step back I would like to stress that I am not asking anyone to stop what they are doing. Together we are capable of assessing what is healthy to the lifestyle and I do believe that we will look out for those where we feel that it has become more of a concern than a sane behaviour. That is what friends are for.
I know that I am not a Daddy, just as I am not a father to a child and I never will be. The amount of discomfort attached to my witnessing such acts just leads me to believe that I am emotionally and psychologically not capable of understanding the attraction. As such I have accepted that it exists, but I will honestly say that I need not have any part in it.
Interesting take on things. Daddy/girl is definitely not for every one just like Master/salve isn’t. Not all of us have underlying problems. I had both parents growing up and I have no sexual desires toward my bio father, but I love having a Daddy. It is about feeling safe and cared for like slaves feel under their Masters care. There is the kink aspect of “incest” but again I have no desire to have anything sexual with any blood member of my family.
Either way thanks for sharing your thoughts on the matter.
Minx
No, thank you for writing a sensible comment. That was very enjoyable to see and read. I think many people overestimate the amount of “protection” people require. I can say that this is not an aspect at all in my Master/slave relationship. I will always come to my slave’s aid should she request it, but I am not here to protect her. She is a grown woman and I expect her to be able to handle herself. Not only emotionally but also physically. Would I step in if she got physically attacked and I thought that she needed help at once, of course I would. However I do expect her to not need that reaction from me.
I personally often feel that this is a built in feature of a Daddy/girl relationship and somehow it seems to irk me. That is a very personal, emotional reaction though and as I mentioned before it is something I need to work through, not the people indulging in this type of dynamic. Again, thank you for the comment.
Not everything that revokes a reaction has to be responded to with anger even if it is close to ones heart
I’m not even necessarily in my relationship for protection. I’m a grown woman who has supported herself in every way for years. I don’t like to need people or help, but part of having a Daddy for me is being able to let that guard down and allow myself to be vulnerable and not feel ashamed of it. It’s refreshing to know I have someone at my side when I need it.
Very interesting, and very close to me. I do call Him “Daddy” but we do not engage in any age play, just what I choose to call Him. I may be very grown up, but inside far to often I feel like a little girl.
I never knew my father, and my step fatehr was never a dad, he was a brutal monster who did horrific things to me. Perhaps that is why I feel so safe with Daddy, I never knew what normal fathers were like.
In truth at 33 years old, I have just started living in this big world. I have suffered more abuse than most people can understand or comprehend. It is still scary for me. I was sheltered by abusive men my entire adult life. Just because I am capable, doesn’t mean I want to be.
I can understand people not understanding, and not accpeting. I think especially a couple trying to accomplish a D/s relationship. And ours is probably much different from yours, and that is ok. I do look to my “Daddy” often at night when I feel defeated, usually because I am.
So it is the best parts of M/s, for us, and I don’t call Him Master.
~tina
I think I can see the attraction on a certain level. It would definitely be caused by my own daddy issues. Although I often feel like a little girl I don’t ever see myself calling my husband Daddy… we actually don’t use titles, but I could see calling him Sir or Master. Because of my past I couldn’t ever see the incest kink aspect, or understand it, just as I can never understand rape fantasies or concensual rape scenes. What I can understand is the feelings of protection and safety that might accompany such a dynamic.
i have a Master whom from time to time i call Daddy.
This happens when i feel safe in His presence. It happens when simple events occur which could be resembled to events in a childs life. Such as Master tucking me in or Master allowing me to have an icecream or something like that.
Uhm… my Master’s 42 and i’m 19 though
I entered the BDSM world three weeks ago. My Daddy found me. He is wonderful and is training me to be the natural sub that I am now know that I am. Being in my 50s, I wished I had found this lifestyle earlier. I like the title Daddy much better than Master….it is more intimate. For me there is no connotation of my biological father. When I say the word “Daddy”, warm feelings of love and respect flow throughout my body. I do feel like the wild child coming out in me…his wild child.
Thank you for putting into words what has been my observation/opinion for a long time.
Thank you for a thoughtful article.
The non-gay Daddy-little relationships I have seen in the kink community sometimes hint at play with incest taboos, sometimes seem an attempt (mis-guided and ill-advised IMHO) of re-parenting. But most often, these roles seem an excuse for reversal of D/s without identifying the behaviors as switching. The “little” gets to order around their own and other dominants and submissives, be rude, impulsive, badly behaved, and especially be irresponsible.
Littles play is IMHO just a fad – but one with teeth towards those who question it. Anyone who is turned off by this behavior of subs and doms is tagged as “mean” or insensitive or in denial of their own little. Anyone creeped out by the potentially explosive mix of reparenting with sex play is tagged “judgmental” and “has issues”. Anyone who suggests that endorsement or sponsorship of littles events at BDSM clubs is roleplay pedophilia and hazardously offensive to the wider community is “intolerant” or paranoid.
I suspect scandals will squash the fad.
I am a Dom and have been for quite some years and I consider Myself a Daddy Dom for the simple fact I am loving,caring and very understanding to My baby girl’s needs and some of her wants as well.
It don’t mean that I give in to her every whim,because I do and will continue to discipline her.
I have tried the Master/slave but I found I could love and care and make My baby girl feel safe,warm and free to ask questions involving anything and everything.
I enjoy being a Daddy Dom and it has NOTHING to do with “incest”
Hello.
I applaud you on your choice. You clearly made an informed decision as to which fetish you enjoy most and what type of relationship you might wish to have. My concern is not with the incestuousness potential of such a relationship, I do not think that it is something one has to be concerned about. I worry more about the psychological implications as to having such a form of relationship in the first place. I am sure there are many, many sane individuals out there, which simply enjoy this type of interaction and you are probably one of them. What I do not understand in your comment is the notion that you could not love and care for or make your property feel safe, warm and free to ask in a M/s type relationship. I do not believe one has anything to do with the other. Ultimately we all make choices and I am glad you found one that make you happy.
I love my daddy/husband. He is 18 years older than me. He’s very macho. He takes care of me, pampers me, keeps me safe, supports me, treats me like a princess. Sure I have to give up a lot of independence, but it is worth it! I trust my daddy to always make sure I am ok, and our kids too. He’s my master and the patriarch and he has all of my respect, that is a lot of responsibility! It is the dynamic of our relationship, one we decided on beforehand. I am always available to him in whatever way he wants sexually, I let him make all the rules, I am always honest and forthcoming with my feelings, even if it is difficult or I feel it may displease him, and I never challenge him or his final say, though I can tell him how I feel about it. We are so in love, when he touches me, I melt.
He is also 5 inches shorter than me, which is funny, but I am a tall woman and very slim.