I adore food. I love to cook almost just as much as I love to eat. The creative process of cooking is dear to me. It can truly transform a bad day into a wonderful one when I have the opportunity to put the skills I have acquired over many years to good use. I appreciate food not only for its source of nutrition but because it allows me to express myself. Every tomato is unique no two of them will ever taste the same, every spice added to a dish will change it in a way that is applicable only to this dish at this point in time. You could cook the same dish a hundred times over and it would always taste a little bit different, never exactly the same way.
I can spend hours walking through a market. All those vendors selling fresh ingredients, the scent of spices in the air and in my head all those things come together into the next dish. I read cooking books like others read their books of faith and I love to experiment. Recipes are interesting when you wish to learn the fundamental concepts, the building blocks of your creative cooking. Recipes are interesting when you want to recreate that awesome dish you had in the restaurant the other night. Recipes are rather boring when it comes to the act of creating what tastes delicious to you. Cooking is like any form of experimentation, sometimes it just does not turn out the way it should and I have thrown out my fair share of creations. I had fully intended to eat them, yet in the end they turned out awful or bland, sometimes too spicy, sometimes without any soul at all.
Fresh food has a will of its own, it cannot be defined by others, or the letters that form the recipes you are trying to follow, it is your own doing what makes those dishes whole and transforms a boring arugula plant into a fantastic salad.
Enough about food though and what has that to do with my kink? The last couple of months were interesting and I think I have come to realise that I need to treat my kink just the way I treat my cooking. I love being kinky and I love everything that is an ingredient in my kink. I do not have any regrets that some of the things I have tried did absolutely nothing for me. Just as I had to try duck liver to find out that the marvellous Foi Gras with truffles might be revered by others but it simply does not do much for my taste buds. I need to stop following the recipes of others when it comes to my kink and with that I am not referring to my creativity. I am referring to my own expectations.
I love my slave, over the years I have built up this wall inside my head of things that I will not even try with her, simply because I have convinced myself that it is not her type of food, so to speak. I have convinced myself that she does not like walnuts and therefore I should not try feeding her any kind of nut. I should not even try feeding her cookies with walnuts in them. IN a way I am not allowing her to grow, I am the one that is holding her back, simply because I am not giving her a chance to fail. I have convinced myself that there are physical things we should not do, when I have actually never tried them with her and she might be perfectly capable of doing them. I have convinced myself that certain psychological aspects of our play should not be explored when she is the one that has professional psychological training in this relationship and she is probably much better equipped to deal with anything I can dish out than I think she is.
With my unwillingness to try new things I have made our kink diet quite bland and it shows in our interactions. While we are both very busy we just recently spent three days together. The stars had aligned and we actually had that time with each other. However instead of going and cooking up a kink storm, eating so much of it that all we could have done in the end was lie around and giggle, we did nothing. I did nothing. I did not put in the effort of getting the ingredients, preparing them and then cooking up and awesome feast. Instead we spent important time together but had the equivalent of a TV meal. I do not like TV meals in my diet and I do not like to feel as if I am turning our kink into something bland.
The relationship I have with my slave is extremely important to me. I do not think that my feelings to her have changed, I love her with all my heart and when I hug her at the end of the day it feels just as important and precious to me as it felt when I hugged her as I stepped off the plane that brought me to her permanently. I still love the scent of her hair, that she can still blush when I speak to her and that she is a opinionated and stubborn as I remember her to be when she is really passionate about a topic. I do not think that our relationship needs repair, but I do believe it needs a change in the kink diet we have been consuming. Sometimes more attention and more rules do set you free and I am happy to tackle the responsibility of watching over more parts of our interactions.
What is most important to me is to ensure that our lives are laced with spices. Spices are what turns those boring combination of fresh products into a world of flavour and exploration. Spices are the little helpers that make a good thing great. I know I have a good thing, now all I have to do is add some fresh spices. I know that it is probably just a tiny change in the seasoning that we need to go from being a very good dish to being a mind blasting one.