We often associate events which have no apparent connection to each other when our mind, creative as it is, goes past what lies on the surface and relates one complex phenomenon to another. While I was driving home from work today one of those revelations seemed to hit me. Those who strive to be a better dominant should indulge themselves in the art if properly merging onto a highway. I refer to it as an art, because it is taught only in a few countries as a part of the mandatory driving school curriculum, everyone else is left to learn it on their own.
Performing a smooth merge onto the busy highway has little to do with the person merging into the traffic, but everything with the people on the lane closest to the on-ramp. Giving up control is probably the hardest thing to do for a person like me. However that is exactly what this is about, in order for the vehicle that wishes to merge to smoothly join traffic I have to give up control for a moment. It becomes my sole purpose to go at a steady pace, that way the merging driver may easily decide whether they want to speed up to merge before me or to slow down so they may thread into traffic behind me.
The concept is easy to understand, however most drivers lack the necessary trust in their fellow brethren on the road to execute on this simple axiom. Especially in Canada that then leads to rather boring and unnecessary traffic jams, as those involved battle for supremacy on who should allow whom to actually proceed in their quest to getting to their predetermined location. I am sure I could have kept this shorter and I am thankful that you are still with me, as this is really a simple post. In order to retain complete control you sometimes need to give up absolute control. The situation I described is easier to control by deflecting a certain amount of control to a third-party, because it avoids uncertainty and a struggle that could cause much harm if we were to take it to an extreme.
The situation we examined does not apply only to highway merging, the abstract, the idea behind it describes very well how individuals can sometimes become entrenched in their point of views, how they desperately need to hang on to their modicum of control when it would be easier to give it up. Not in order to lose it forever but to control the what does not want to be controlled by letting go. A poignant example would be the arrangement my cockdoll and I have when it comes to play-partners. I trust her to make sensible decisions when it comes to protecting the emotional integrity of our relationship. Emotions are one area I do not exactly excel in and creating an environment that is emotionally safe for three individuals is not easy. Therefore I allow her to set the ground rules and by allowing that I can control the bigger picture. It allows me to play with others, something that might be not possible at all if I had not trusted her to begin with.
I do not believe in the almighty controller that needs to exert his whim on everything that happens in the relationship. I strongly believe that this is a type of interaction which will lead to emotional hardship in the end. As human beings we have an innate drive to express ourselves, taking that away is like clipping the wings of a bird. Still a bird, but usually a depressed one that does not live quite as long as his happy neighbor in the outdoor volery. This momentary loss of control to achieve something better from where we were before follows us everywhere and we do it without thinking at times. Skiing is the area I am most familiar with and there are countless times edged into my memory where it was necessary for me to give up complete control and let my body do what it does best. Conscious control in those situations might have led to a broken leg, a broken nose and in one extreme case probably to death, but letting go muscle memory, experience and probably chance took to work and I am still sitting here typing away now.
While I do not wish to be the older man who mumbles to you
“Do or do not… there is no try.”
, there is a lesson I have learned getting older. You do not need to be in control all the time to be in control. Someone I respect a great deal once told me that a successful life is really all about managing the exceptions and as you get older there should be fewer of them. It took me almost 15 years to understand what that meant and I am still marveling as the simplicity of the concept. it applies everywhere I have tried, even when it comes to merging onto a highway. I do not need to worry about where the traffic will merge, how fast or slow they want to go, as long as I keep my pace and relinquish control over that pace to the person merging, everything will work out fine. The only thing I do need to manage is the rare individual that insists on going just as my pace while we are slowly running out of merging lane. That is when I might change lanes, slow down or speed up, but only then and that will be the exception.
To exert absolute control, take hold of the reigns with complete certainty is something I use to manage exceptions. When I believe that it averts disasters, makes them feel safe or brings so much pleasure to me that there is simply no other way. I rather spend a little time managing the exceptions in my life than worrying day in and day out whether I am truly in control of everything.
If i may make a comment, i find what you write here so perfectly true. How wonderful to read that a Master also believes in control like this. It is pleasing to hear that you found this come through in an experience of merging traffic! I have experienced it in a much harsher lesson. Yet the growth is the same- and the messages though different for slaves still hit home. Thank you for posting this. ~Silky
I like your merging onto the highway metaphor very much. You’re right on target–sometimes controlling in the larger sense requires giving up control in a smaller sense, just as taking a strategic view to win a war may sometimes require you to retreat from an individual battle.
Very interesting analogy.